What does it mean if you never want to have sex?
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you if you never have sex. Mainstream media or other people may tell you otherwise, but it’s just not true.
You may hear a lot of absurd things about not having sex. Everything from it’ll kill you and you’ll have cobwebs in your vagina to you’ll lose your ability to have an erection. None of this is true, of course. These messages can create a lot of shame when it comes to personal feelings about sex and sexual attraction.
Sexual identity and adolescence
Adolescence is an important stage of life when it comes to sexual development. There are so many emotional and physical changes.
A 2021 studyTrusted Source suggests that interventions and research have traditionally focused on risk management for this group. This only reinforces the idea that there is something problematic about this natural stage of development.
This is a time of figuring out sexual identity. A chance to explore romantic and sexual feelings. At this stage, teens need support in understanding consent, interpersonal relationships, and communication.
Some teens will discover that they just aren’t that interested in sex. Others may not feel sexual attraction the same way that their peers do. It’s crucial that teens get the message that this can be totally normal.
How does your body actually change when you stop having sex?
Having sex can be great for your body, mind and spirit — so what happens when you’re not having sex anymore?
For a sexually active person, going through a “dry spell” can feel like a massive change for the body and mind.
Some may feel irritable and antsy, while others will just feel overwhelmingly turned on, with no feasible way to relieve it.
However, some people may not feel any different at all — neither missing the sex they were having nor pining for more, Body+Soul reports.
But at what point does a dry spell actually start to change your biology? And does not having sex have a tangible impact on how we feel?
Christine Rafe, the sex and relationship expert for the sex toy brand Womanizer, weighed in.
How does the body change when you stop having sex?
As much as your body might feel like it’s undergone a big change since you stopped getting your regular fill — the science says it hasn’t.
“While there are recognized physical, emotional, and psychological benefits to engaging in solo or partnered sexual activity (including outercourse or non-penetrative sex), this does not mean that there are negative consequences associated with not being sexually active,” Rafe told Body+Soul.
However, we may experience what experts call “deconditioning,” which essentially means becoming less primed for intercourse.
“In the same way we might experience a reduced confidence, muscle tightness, and overall deconditioning from not exercising, people who haven’t had sex, or who stop having sex for prolonged periods may experience deconditioning to sexual activities and find that they have muscle tightness or soreness, difficulties in ejaculatory control and a loss of confidence in sexual activity,” Rafe said, though she points out “these are not long-term biological changes.”
The benefits of sex
“There is no substantive research or evidence concluding that there are negative health impacts for someone who chooses to not have sex, or to stop having sex,” she added — however, there are certainly benefits for those who choose to do so.
When it comes to hormones, “the chemicals released during sexual pleasure, whether solo or with others include oxytocin, endorphins, serotonin, and dopamine,” Rafe explained. “These are our happy/feel-good chemicals, and they can improve mood and energy levels [and] increase motivation.”
Similarly, sexual activity and pleasure can help to lower stress by reducing levels of cortisol, “which can impact mood and immune system,” she continued.
When it comes to relationships, for many people, sex is a huge part of cultivating intimacy and closeness with their partner or partners — which, in turn, has carryover effects that make us feel good.
One area that is backed up by research is “the correlation between higher ejaculatory frequency in adulthood and a lowered rate of prostate cancer in those with a penis, which is generally noted in later adulthood,” said Rafe.
But the good news is that while sex ignites many of these chemical reactions, and can be the cause of ejaculation, “there are other ways that you can promote the same physical, relational and psychological health without having sex.”
How to reap the benefits of sex, without actually having sex
“Not having sexual pleasure doesn’t mean that you can’t experience the same benefits of these chemicals as someone who does engage in sexual activity,” the sexual health expert said.
When it comes to the feel-good hormones, “we can promote the production of these chemicals through lots of other activities such as movement, dancing, massage, meditation, singing, listening to music, laughing, experiencing something new and/or moderately challenging.”
You can also generate these hormones through non-sexual connection, which could include hugging, eye contact, holding hands, having meaningful conversations, and feeling heard.
Similarly, “while sexual pleasure and activity can reduce the stress hormone cortisol which can impact mood and immune system, other ways that you can reduce cortisol include meditation, exercise, sleep, healthy eating and setting boundaries,” said Rafe.
Meanwhile, other forms of relationship intimacy could be non-sexual touch and affection, “emotional connection and anything that supports you in feeling safe and supported by another person,” she adds.
Similarly, when it comes to ejaculation frequency — it’s more than possible to keep that number up without having sex with another person.
A pleasure, not a necessity
While having less sex may feel like a physical and mental adjustment, there’s no proof that it’s bad for you. In fact, it’s very normal for your libido to change as you age.
“It’s very likely that you will experience fluctuations and changes in your experience of desire, arousal, and pleasure throughout your life, and this can fluctuate weekly, monthly (particularly for those who menstruate), or more progressively over different life stages including puberty, relationship dynamics, parenthood, menopause, older age, etc.,” said Rafe.
So if you’re in a dry spell, don’t feel like having sex, or don’t have anyone to have sex with — don’t fear.
In fact, the worst thing that can happen from not having sex is feeling distressed about it, which can affect your mental wellness and relationships.
Having sex can be great for your health — it can bolster a couple’s intimacy, and resilience, boost body confidence, lower anxiety and depression, and improve mood.
But you can absolutely activate those benefits in other ways, fostering closeness, mental acuity, and feel-good hormones without sexual touch.
“Sex can certainly be a component of a healthy lifestyle, but it is not essential for you to be healthy,” said Rafe.
“If it is not causing you concern or impacting your life in any adverse ways, then you can absolutely live a healthy and fulfilling life without having sex.”